Many people expect the abuse to stop once they leave. They file for divorce, move out, maybe get a protection order, and assume the hardest part is over. For a lot of survivors, it is not. The control simply changes venue, and the new venue is the courtroom.
Colorado Legal Group attorney Laura McClure focuses much of her practice on divorces involving domestic violence and high-control spouses. She has watched this shift happen again and again, “You see that once the person loses access to their victim, they’re still going to try to engage in the same behaviors one way or another.”
This guide explains what post-separation abuse looks like inside a Colorado divorce, the traps abusers set in litigation, and the legal tools that can push back.
Key Takeaways
- Post-separation abuse is the continuation of abuse and control after a relationship ends, often through the court process itself.
- A common tactic is filing inflammatory motions designed to provoke an emotional reaction that makes the survivor look unstable.
- Colorado law now defines coercive control and requires judges to make domestic violence findings that can limit joint decision-making for children.
- Protection orders, attorney fee awards, parenting time restrictions, and contempt are all available tools.
- The attorney you hire matters. Counsel who does not understand abuse can end up minimizing you too.
What Is Post-Separation Abuse?
Post-separation abuse is a term used by advocates and researchers, not a phrase found in Colorado statutes. It describes the ways an abusive partner keeps exerting power after the relationship is over. When the abuse is carried out through the legal system, it is often called litigation abuse or legal abuse. Common forms include:
- Filing repeated or exaggerated motions to drain your time, money and emotional energy
- Making inflammatory accusations in court filings to provoke a reaction
- Contacting you constantly about “the case” or “the kids” to keep you engaged
- Withholding money, delaying disclosures or running up the cost of the case
- Using children’s schedules, exchanges and school events as pressure points
- Turning professionals, including therapists and evaluators, against you
None of these behaviors is new. What changes after separation is that the abuser no longer has daily access, so the divorce case becomes one of the few remaining ways to reach you. If financial control is part of the picture, our article on recovering money a spouse spent on an affair explains how Colorado courts handle wasted marital funds.
The Reactive Abuse Trap in Court Filings
Reactive abuse is a term for what happens when a person who has been abused finally reacts, sometimes loudly or angrily, and that reaction is then used as “proof” that they are the problem. In a divorce, the setup often arrives as a court filing.
“They’ll file something with some inflammatory statements, expecting the other party and their attorney, if they’re not ready for it, to shoot from the hip and become overly defensive, which then impacts the court’s perception of their credibility and, quite frankly, can make the survivor of domestic violence appear a little crazy.”
The goal of a filing like this is not always to win the motion. It is to get a reaction a judge can see. The most effective response is usually the least emotional one: a measured reply, built on documents and timelines, filed by your attorney. Judges see a lot of conflict. A calm, factual record stands out, and it lets the other side’s tone speak for itself. Our article on what actually matters in a contested divorce hearing covers how judges weigh competing stories.
What Colorado Law Says About Coercive Control
Colorado has moved in the direction of recognizing abuse that is not purely physical. In 2024, the legislature amended C.R.S. 14-10-124, the statute that governs parenting decisions, to define coercive control as “a pattern of threatening, humiliating, or intimidating actions, including assaults or other abuse.” Several provisions of that statute matter for survivors:
- When domestic violence is claimed, the court must decide, by a preponderance of the evidence, whether it occurred.
- If the court finds domestic violence, joint decision-making for the children is generally not in their best interests over the objection of the other parent, unless there is credible evidence the parents can actually make decisions cooperatively.
- A parent who left the home because of domestic violence should not have that absence counted against them.
- The safety and well-being of the child and the abused parent are the primary concern, and the court can impose conditions such as supervised parenting time or keeping an address confidential.
- If a judge orders unsupervised parenting time despite allegations of domestic violence, abuse or coercive control, the judge must explain on the record why that is in the child’s best interests.
These rules apply to parenting decisions. They are a big reason documentation matters: the court has to make findings, and findings are built on evidence. For more on how custody decisions are made, see our Colorado child custody page.
Legal Tools That Push Back
Civil protection orders, even without a criminal case
Survivors are often told by police that “nothing can be done.” Laura’s answer is that this is rarely the end of the road. “Just because there’s not a criminal case doesn’t mean you can’t pursue protection for yourself,” she said. A civil protection order is a separate process from a criminal case and can restrict contact, require the abuser to stay away from your home and work, and address the children. Our guide on how to apply for a restraining order or protection order walks through the steps.
Attorney fees for filings without substantial justification
Colorado law does not let a party litigate in bad faith for free. Under C.R.S. 13-17-102, a court must award reasonable attorney fees when a claim or defense “lacked substantial justification,” meaning it was substantially frivolous, groundless or vexatious, or when it was “interposed for delay or harassment.” Fees can also be awarded when a party unnecessarily expands the case through improper conduct, such as discovery abuse. A fee request will not stop every bad filing, but it puts a price on the strategy.
Parenting time conditions
When the record supports it, the court can order supervised parenting time, restrict overnights, require exchanges in safe locations or keep your address confidential. These conditions protect children and reduce the number of moments an abuser can use to keep the conflict going. If a child is in danger right now, read our article on emergency custody orders in Colorado.
Contempt when orders are ignored
Court orders are not suggestions. When an ex repeatedly violates parenting orders, protection orders or financial orders, your attorney can ask the court to hold them in contempt.
How to Communicate With an Abusive Ex During a Divorce
Laura’s guidance here is consistent: say as little as possible. “Less is more, always, with narcissistic personality types,” she said. “One of the things they try to do is hook on to any little detail in the conversation.”
“Don’t argue, don’t rationalize. If anything, just say, ‘Hey, that’s your opinion. I’ll make sure that my lawyer contacts your lawyer about that issue,’ and then leave it.”
This approach is often called gray rocking: being as unremarkable and unreactive as a gray rock, so there is nothing to grab onto. In practice, it looks like this:
- Keep it in writing. Use email or a co-parenting app rather than phone calls, so every exchange is documented.
- Keep it short. Answer only logistical questions. Do not respond to accusations, insults or bait.
- Route legal issues through counsel. If the message is about the case, the answer is that your attorney will be in touch.
- Document everything. Save messages, keep a dated log of incidents and preserve anything that shows a pattern. Our article on using texts, email and social media in a divorce explains how that evidence is used.
- Stop sharing a roof if you can. Laura acknowledges this is hard in this economy, with two sets of legal fees, but separate households remove the daily opportunities for control.
Laura also closes a gap that many abusers exploit: what the survivor is told about their own case. “One thing I’ll do is regularly forward every single email communication with the opposing counsel to my client,” she explained, so that if the other party claims “your attorney said this or that,” the client already knows the truth. An ex cannot gaslight you about your case if you have read every word of it.
When Counseling Becomes Another Battleground
Couples counseling is often suggested as a first step, and in many marriages it helps. In abusive relationships, it can backfire. Laura has seen abusers “weaponize the counseling context and turn the therapist against the survivor of domestic violence,” telling a version of events that is “completely inaccurate.” The result is that the person being abused ends up “doing even more work to try to repair the relationship and manage their own emotions” while the abuse continues at home.
Individual therapy is a different story, and Laura encourages it. She is clear that she is not a therapist, and that legal fees are best spent on legal work. One of her first questions to a new client is whether they have support: a therapist, or even “a pastor or a rabbi or something along those lines.”
“I Thought I Was the Problem”
One of Laura’s most memorable cases began with a client who was sure she was the abuser. She arrived on the defensive, worried about what her husband would tell the court. Laura saw something different.
“You seem abused. You seem frantic. Looking for the physiological signs, the dysregulation of her nervous system, and the over-explaining. If I hadn’t had that sort of context and background and curiosity about her situation, we might’ve been operating on the defense, and we would’ve had an entirely different outcome.”
The case took about three years. By the end, the court had entered protection orders against the husband and he no longer had access to the children. Laura’s client went from believing she was the problem to being protected and, in Laura’s words, feeling “very much vindicated and validated.”
David Crum has seen a related pattern: survivors who come in over a relatively minor incident, when the history includes far more serious abuse that was never reported. That history is not necessarily lost. As David put it, “There’s a way to get that evidence in if you do it correctly.” An attorney who asks the right questions can uncover a pattern the client has learned to minimize.
How to Choose an Attorney When Abuse Is Part of Your Divorce
This may be the most important decision in the case. Laura put it directly:
“You need to look for someone that knows the language around domestic violence, that understands the abuse cycle, that understands terms like gaslighting and blame shifting and deflection. The last thing you want to do is hire an attorney who doesn’t understand any of those things, and the next thing you know, you’re being gaslit or minimized by your own counsel.”
She has had clients come to her after going through multiple attorneys and “break down crying with relief when they feel seen and understood.” When you interview attorneys, listen for whether they:
- Talk about litigation abuse and reactive abuse without you having to explain them
- Have a plan for responding to inflammatory filings calmly and with evidence
- Explain how they will keep you fully informed about communications with the other side
- Understand how domestic violence findings affect parenting decisions under Colorado law
- Encourage outside support, rather than billing you to be your therapist
For more on finding the right fit, see our keys to hiring the right divorce lawyer in Denver, and if your case is already in trouble, our guide on how to replace your existing divorce attorney.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is post-separation abuse?
Post-separation abuse is the continuation of abuse, control or harassment after a relationship ends. It often shows up in the divorce or custody case itself, through excessive filings, false accusations, financial pressure or conflict over the children.
Is litigation abuse illegal in Colorado?
There is no Colorado statute titled litigation abuse, but the conduct is not consequence-free. Courts can award attorney fees for filings that lack substantial justification or are made for delay or harassment, and judges can weigh a pattern of abusive conduct in parenting decisions.
Can I get a protection order if the police did not arrest anyone?
Yes. A civil protection order is a separate court process from a criminal case. You can ask the court for protection even if no criminal charges were filed.
Does coercive control affect custody in Colorado?
It can. Colorado’s parenting statute defines coercive control, and when the court finds domestic violence, joint decision-making for the children is generally not in their best interests over the other parent’s objection.
What is gray rocking?
Gray rocking means responding to a high-conflict or abusive person in a brief, neutral and unemotional way, so there is nothing for them to react to. During a divorce, it usually means short written replies about logistics only, with legal issues routed through your attorney.
Talk to Laura McClure About Your Case
If your ex is using the divorce to keep controlling you, you do not have to absorb it alone. Laura McClure represents clients in litigated divorces and custody cases involving domestic violence from Colorado Legal Group’s Denver office. Schedule a free strategy session and ask for Laura directly. You may also find our free guide on how to divorce a difficult spouse useful, along with our article on understanding domestic abuse in Colorado Springs.
Want the full conversation? Listen to Laura and David on Confessions of a Divorce Assassin.
This article is for general information only and is not legal advice. Every case depends on its own facts. Reading this article does not create an attorney-client relationship.